Doubt and Commitment

Doubt and Commitment
Easter 2; John 20:19-31
When I was ordained deacon
I was secretly glad
that the gospel that day spoke
of Thomas the doubter,
because I had my doubts -
of the institution
rather than of God, 
and had been doubted,
by the institutionalized
rather than by God.

Before the doubts, Thomas said:
“Let us also go
that we may die with him.”
He fulfilled that commitment
later as a martyr in India,
but he was not with him
when Jesus was executed
by self-serving authorities.

Was it his failure to live up
to the courage of his commitment,
or was it grief and loss of hope
that plunged him into despairing doubt?
I too have had my times
of failure, grief and loss
leading to self-doubt,
and a flinching away,
not from the risen Christ 
but from Christianity co-opted by empires.

Thomas refused the testimony of others
that Christ was risen, 
saying he would only believe
what he could touch and see.
Our materialistic society
negates any truth
they say they can’t touch or see,
while keeping their eyes
blinded by screens and hype,
and their hands too busy making money,
or too clenched, hanging on.

If only they might decide,
to join a stranger
on their defeated walk home,
and listen to him on the road,
and invite him in to break bread,
and recognize him at last
with burning hearts.
If only, like Thomas and like me,
they might gather with others 
at the right time and place
for prayer and the shared meal
in remembrance of him.
There Christ becomes present,
says: “Peace be with you!”
and offers his wounds
to touch and see.
If only they could be graced
by personal encounter
and say in profound affirmation:
“My Lord and my God!”

Now as a retired priest,
having struggled with failure
and wrestled with commitment, 
I feel in my aching bones
that the wounds
of the Risen Christ,
and the pain and love
of doubting Thomas,
saint and martyr,
are calling to our world,
our wounded Earth,
and our sceptical society.

I long to hear that cry
of transformation:
“My Lord and my God”
but I don’t know how to evoke it.
Perhaps with fumbling words
which seem in some sense given, 
I still hope to help some touch and see,
because I know that it is possible
for personal experience
and reawakened wonder
to replace doubt, bring joy from grief, 
affirm new life and inspire change.
	Barbara Messner 24/04/2025